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Lovely, however... - Julie C. - Jul 14th 2008I am really worried about my mental health (19yr old female)Am I depressed?Identity Confusion: I don't know what personality disorders I haveDo I Have Bipolar Dsorder?Is there something wrong with me?Will I Ever? Worried about my sonIs There Help Out There? Lonely Mother of ThreeAm I Depressed?Help?Major Depressive Disorder Severe with Psychotic FeaturesOCD- No feelingHelp!!!: LaciIs the memory of my father dooming my relationship?Worried about thoughtsHow long will i be on medication for treatment of my depressionMy Mother Won't Go For Depression Treatment!Where do i start to get on the road to recoveryWhat is wrong with me?Stuck in an on-again, off-again relationship for 10 yearsDepression TreatmentHow do I get my dr.s to understand and help me?STUCK IN A RUTWhat treatments are available after you've tried the medicines of last resort?no one will help!Should I seek help?A fighting coupleDo I have a mental health problem?Whats wrong with me?depression and employmenthow do you treat depression in teenager males?Is it ok to feel this way?Have DID: Getting Worse Not BetterCan we contact my mother's doctor?anxiety or going crazy?ADD, Tourettes or both?DepressedI think i'm lost?Don't want to take medsWill this ever endGet SupportedStages of DepressionIs there any help?Can you help?Dark FantasiesBlood testsIs it illusion or truth?should a depressed person marry?Dementia and DepressionAnger?What type of exams can proven that a person has bipolar disorder?Stuck in a mental rut...Loss of Patiencei can't seem to get over any of thisIntrusive humiliating memoriesIs there some way to deal with depression without meds?losing personality wholnessWhat is the point of life?No change is normal mood (e.g., Depression)Lack of Personal HygieneDiagnosing DepressionDoes untreated depression pass on to a fetus?A Request for HelpRegular thoughts of killing myselfHow do I help my depressed, unemployed motherAngry at my doctor for prescribing so carelesslyI become very hostile towards myselfComing to Terms With My Own Pathetic ExistenceDo environmental factors hold a person back?Tired of this DepressionStruggling With Feelings And ThoughtsGreatly DepressedIs Depression Getting More Prevalent?An Empty ShellHelping My HusbandInability To Express MyselfNon-medication Help For DepressionSuicidalSick Of Feeling This WayUntrusting PatientDepressed and Not DatingCongenital LazinessMoody BoyfriendElectroconvulsive TherapyDesperateFrustrated and Sucked DryToo Young For MedsDepressed HusbandParanoid DepressionSelf-Harming Attention SeekerDid My Parents Make Me Like This?Wild Mood SwingsA Wonderful ManHow Can I Become Less Depressed?18, Sad and HopelessShould I Continue With Therapy?Childhood DepressionCan I Help My Wife With Depression?Prozac QuestionsApproaching My Tightly Wound Depressed Attorney BrotherBrain Injury and DepressionNo Compassion For DepressionRecurrent DepressionMeds Don't Seem To Work So Now What?Pleasure-blindDo People Recover From Depression?Shy DancerCrying Is BehaviorMed ConsultFeeling Depressed and InsecureShyness And The Post Partum BluesThe Aftermath of AbuseDo I Tell My Children I'm Depressed?Now What?Medicine Doesn't Work AnymoreDepressedThe First TimeDepressed BoyfriendHow Do I Leave?Potentially Suicidal BoyfriendAlternative TreatmentBereavement and GriefParanoid DadDepression Affects The Entire FamilyHow Can I Stop Depression From Recurring?Crohn's Disorder Side EffectsIs Paranoia A Destiny?Post-Drinking DepressionSecurity Clearance and DepressionCan I Inherit Depression?Two CliniciansDepressed SpouseDepression 101Hypnosis?Controlling, Disabled HusbandAre These Just Mood SwingsDrifting Apart?Drinking. . .A Mother Struggles with DepressionMarijuana and DepressionOverburdened MomTrashed HouseBeautiful DreamerPMS WoesSeverely DepressedMiss LonelyUnhappy and In TherapyHe Won't Tell Me Why...LonelyDepression Affecting My RelationshipLonesomeMy Children Aren't Speaking..My Wife is DepressedMy Boyfriend Is DepressedParlante writes: VideosLinksBook Reviews |
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by Stephanie Merritt Vermillion, 2009 Review by Cynthia L. Pauwels, MA on Jun 29th 2010 
Anyone who has faced the personal demons of mental illness will likely see themselves reflected in Stephanie Merritt's haunting The Devil Within: A Memoir of Depression. The author paints an unflinching portrait of the devastating effects of this misunderstood disease which is often exacerbated by the added burden of social stigma which surrounds its sufferers.
From Merritt's earliest recollections of emotional turmoil and her first descent into depression at age seventeen, she traces the erratic upheavals of her life from the "low-level psychological bullying" during school days, a life-threatening bout with anorexia, and the repeated manic episodes of her young adult years. By the time she reaches the literal edge, hypnotized by the speedy passing rails of the commuter train track which offer a tempting escape from the anguish of severe post-partum depression, we who have faced those inner nightmares find ourselves empathizing, all while willing her to step back from the brink.
Merritt avoids those overwhelming suicidal thoughts, obviously, but only from the "practical pull of duty and obligation" to her parents and her newborn son, not from any sense of self-worth or desire to go on living. In this decision, she continues the double life she has laid out in painful detail. Merritt skillfully describes the public persona of everyday coping many depressives learn to project while inwardly dying emotionally. At age thirty-two, she finally seeks professional help and is diagnosed with a "non-psychotic form of bi-polar disorder, or manic depression," the possibility of which she denied for the previous fifteen years while believing "the root of all my problems was walking away from God."
At times heavy-handed and bordering on the melodramatic, Merritt nonetheless offers a compelling look at the disjointed path she navigates from pharmaceuticals to psychiatric counseling to Cognitive Behavior Therapy before finding sustainable relief in orthomolecular (nutritional) medicine. In her search for "the real me," she comes to grips with the gap between intellectually understanding the need to "separate my sense of self-worth from circumstances that are dependent on others" and slogging through the fog of depression to put that knowledge into practice. "It means learning to be kinder to ourselves, changing our notions of success and failure, reconciling ourselves to scaled down ambitions.... We need to learn to be proud of these small goals instead of measuring ourselves against the person we think we are supposed to be."
Merritt rounds out her personal story with a useful list of reading material, websites and resources which offer more information. Those who suffer from mental illness, and the families who love them, will find her survival encouraging.
This book may well be difficult reading for anyone who experiences depression. Merritt's depiction is so authentic, so realistic, that flashbacks should be expected. But she also offers hope, and a path to a better future. By sharing her personal journey, she paves the way for others to escape The Devil Within.
© 2010 Cynthia L. Pauwels
Cynthia L. Pauwels holds an MA in Creative Writing and a BA in Humanities with a World Classics certification from Antioch University McGregor in Yellow Springs, Ohio. She works as a freelance writer with numerous short fiction, non-fiction and technical writing credits. |
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