|
|
|
Basic InformationMore InformationLatest NewsAHA News: Pandemic Pods Offer Social Relief, But There Are RisksSaying 'I Understand' Makes a Real Difference, Study ShowsCaring for Elderly Loved Ones During a Holiday LockdownGive Your Family the Gift of Regular ExercisePoll: 1 in 3 Parents Pick Holiday Gathering Over COVID SafetyCollege Kid Coming Home for Thanksgiving? Here's How to Keep Your Family SafeAHA News: Despite the Pandemic, Keep Social Connections Strong This Holiday SeasonThink 'Virtual' for Family Gatherings During the HolidaysWhen Your Spouse Gripes About Aging, It Might Harm Your HealthSpouses Share a Lot – Including Heart Health, Study ShowsKids' Hospitalizations Accompany Rising Unemployment Rates: StudyMost American Families Facing Financial Danger During Pandemic: PollCOVID Conflicts Are Putting Big Strains on RelationshipsWhy Some Gifts Are Better-Received Than OthersWhen Parents, Grandparents Don't Agree on Childrearing ChoicesU.S. Grandparents Are Raising Millions of Kids, and It's ToughChild Care Stresses, Hunger Are Harming U.S. Families During PandemicMany U.S. Homes Too Cramped to Stop COVID-19's SpreadWith Pandemic-Related Stress, Abuse Against Kids Can SurgeLove During Lockdown: Survey Shows How Couples Have CopedWith Nursing Homes on Lockdown, Stay Connected With Loved OnesAHA News: Instead of a Tie, Think About Healthy Gifts and Gratitude for Father's DayPandemic Lockdown Increases Child Abuse RiskLoving Family May Lower Future Depression Risk in KidsKeeping Harmony in the Family During Coronavirus PandemicAHA News: If You Hunker Down Against Coronavirus, Don't Stop Reaching Out, Experts Say12 Weeks of Paid Maternity Leave Benefits Everyone: StudyFrozen Donor Eggs May Lead to Fewer Births Than Fresh Ones Questions and AnswersPersonality Disorder or Just a Horrible PersonHusband Jealous of my Friends and FamilyIs it Just a Name?!She's Lied About EverythingMy Family is Ruining my Relationship With my Boyfriend What Is Wrong With Me ?My Boyfriend's Children Won't Accept Me....Does my Boyfriend Have Feelings For His Ex Wife?I Have BulimiaArranged MarriageWhen is Enough, Enough?Breaking UpSoon to be 15 Year Old Step Daughter Who is Physically Abusive to Family MembersI Have Everything I Ever Wanted. Why am I so Miserable?Should I Stay or Should I Go?Wife's BehaviorStep-Daughter is Deliberately AbusiveIs my Sister a Pathological Liar?Lost in Limbo19 Year Old DaughterNeed Help in Building the BridgesLack of Affection and IntimacyIs He Seeing Someone?Marriage QuestionRespect + Anger ManagmentMy Husband With Daughter...... Resentment-Controlling Wife/Passive-Agressive HusbandGetting Married, Stepsons With Awful TempersAdult Son Interferes with Our RelationshipCo-Dependent MotherCan My Marriage Be Saved?On and Off Relationship For Almost 10yrsI Am Tired of MarriageI'm His 2nd Wife. Am I Destined to Play Second Fiddle to His daughter Forever?How do I Get my Husband to the Psychiatrist?Is it Inappropriate to Call my Daughter...Trying to Save 37 Years of Marriage With My Bipolar HusbandAlcoholism and FamilyBipolar Obsessive Thoughts and False Memories Crazy Mother In Law Ruining Our Mental Health and RelationshipCaught In The Middle Caring For Elderly ParentI am a Newlywed and Need HelpHusband's Relationship With His ChildrenSubstance AbuseChronically Ill Non-Compliant 19 Year OldChild With Possible Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)Obsession or ExcuseThe Marriage Corner: How Can I Move Past This?The Marriage Corner: Do You Think my Marriage Can be Repaired?I am Only 26 Years OldMy Boyfriend Saved a Picture of a Girl he Slept With in Case we Split up?Adoptive Mother of 3 Children - SunFlowerHow to Handle my Mothers State of Mind?JoylessShould I Fight For My Marriage?Homesick and Feeling Stuck.Why Does My Wife's Old Boyfriend Bother Me?How do We Get Her to Accept Us as Part of The Family?Another WomanBoyfriends DaughterHow do I Cope With a Parent Who is Trying to Ruin me?Worried About 4-year-old with DepressionSame Views On So Much, but Can't Get Along As A CoupleIt's Me or It's My Mother?Considering Divorce After Several Deaths in The FamilySchizophreniaSchizophrenic Relapse !Please Help Me..My 19 Year Old Daughter is Out of ControlMy 19 Year Old SonI Desperately Want to Make This WorkHelp!!!Marraige Life of my Parents Is This Abuse and What Should I Do?My Girlfriend's Family Is Ruining Our RelationshipI Feel Like I Have Failed - - May 20th 2010Relationship With My Bipolar and ADHD GirlfriendHuge Disapointment With My HusbandI Don't Really Care About Anything. What Should I Do?What Should I do?My Father, The Sociopath...What is Wrong? What Should I do With my 19 Year-Old Daughter's Anger Issue?Dominating Mother How to Help Our College Age Son with Depression and AddictionCan My Marriage be Saved?Personal HygieneHelp Me Please. What is Going On With Me?Parenting a Bipolar Child, Not Quite a Child, Not Quite an AdultAm I Being Used?Is This Jealous Behaviour Normal In a Child?Grandson BehaviorHusband's AddictionHelp or Do Nothing?Pregnant AgainConcernedAre my past sexual fantasies dangerous and unusual?It is finally an emergency. We need help. Please.Trauma and Drama: Why are friends and family rejecting me? Why is my mom following me around to take over my life?Does my husband have bipolar although the doctors said he doesn't?Fear of death and dyinghow to ask if the pics are her?Unhappy MarriageDid I push them too much?How do you turn your back on your 19 year old daughter?What To Do With a Dysfunctional Past SHOULD GRANDPARENTS INSIST ON SEEING A GRANDCHILD My husband wants to leave me My husband no longer believesMy Son's ProblemWhy do I beat myself up over what they think?Bipolar sister, Narcissist boyfriendUnderstanding my sonWorried about my sonChild jealous of moms relationship with her new husbandThis guy I bullyIs There Help Out There? Lonely Mother of ThreeAm I Depressed?Should I Give Up On This Marriage?dealing with demanding mothercan you give me some advice please?17 year old running the houseOut of control 24 year old sisterMy needy son hates my boyfriend. How can I avoid choosing one over the other?voice in my headtwo intelligent adults who feel they don\'t have friends19 Year Old Daugter--Out of control17 yr old refuses help with bi-polar disorderTeen in Full Retreatout of control 16 year old nephewDepression? Bi-Polar? Personality Disorder?i need help with my sisterGet SupportedForgotten or just ignored?Dealing with a family member's complete personality changeMother showering & sleeping in same bed with 5 year oldDisbeliefZoloft - good or badmy little sisterUnattractive regardless, why bother?Coping with Narcissistic BehaviorHow to Deal with the Loss of Familyhusband\'s angerDid I Love my husband and still abuse him emotionallyI have a hard time making friends with other guysHow to communicate to a \'feeler\'homesickhow can i control morbid jealousyHow can I open up and become my old self again?Advice for my unhappily married friendHow can I tell the difference?Cannot support old friend in her affairIs Something Wrong With Her?Need to find a reason for the abuseMom's Unlisted NumberHow to help a Womanizing friend?'Extremely controling' wife and passive husbandA Habitual Liar's Lamentthe way out is through the doorDrug Addict SonAngry At Ex-BoyfriendViolent SisterWhen Will My Boyfriend Grow Up?A Marriage Outside The CasteAngry MomSeeing A Married ManDisordered Family Member BehaviorMy RoommateA Mean, Verbally Abusive WomanStepson With Personality DisorderMom's ProtectorBusted By A 5-Year-OldGetting Along With Narcissistic RelativesPossibly Molested DaughterDirty NieceHelping My SisterCongenital LazinessBlossoming Paranoia?Is Anxiety A Hereditary Factor?Enmeshed With MumHypochondriac DaughterAbusive FatherGoing CrazySelf-Abusive Step-Daughter(Wo)man In The MiddleParanoid DepressionWithdrawn BrotherDysfunctional FamilyParanoiaMy Mother Is Ruining My LifeCowardly StepdadDaughter's Violent MarriageMy Father Dislikes HimHistrionic Sister-in-LawLong-Distance SupportPersonality Disordered GrandmotherDo I Tell My Children I'm Depressed?Father In RomaniaMom's VentingUnhappy In An Arranged MarriageToxic ParentsA Situation For Tough Love?Avoiding Her ParentsBoarding School BluesDepression Affects The Entire FamilyInternet RelationshipI Want To Leave, But For The Children ...Public MenaceSomatization and HypochondriasSelf-Injuring SisterFamily BoundariesDealing with DivorceTrashed HouseRelationship TriangulationWhat To Treat First?Love TriangleProblematic ParentsHis Mother is Ruining Our RelationshipManaging PrioritiesTime to Cut the Apron StringsMommy's New BoyfriendBusy and WantingOver-Protective MotherHe's Not HimselfJealous of My Fiance's FamilyYoung LoveDifferent ReligionsMy Husband's Daughter...My Dad the DictatorMy Children Aren't Speaking..Dogs Instead of Children?My Wife is DepressedFalling ApartProblems with My Daughter VideosLinksBook Reviews |
| |
Communication Approaches in RelationshipsMark Dombeck, Ph.D.Communication Approaches
Trust and affection are the glue that hold couples together. Healthy partners communicate these positive feelings towards each other via words and gestures in a cyclical manner that breeds more positive communication. Chronically conflicted couples lose trust between the partners, affection suffers and communication between partners takes on a more negative, defensive and demanding tone. Marital therapists teach conflicted couples communication skills designed to help them interrupt their negative communications and replace them with more positive (or at least neutral) ones.
- "I" Statements. Chronically conflicted partners frequently find themselves in escalating verbal fights during which they accuse and curse each other. One attack leads to another in a vicious circle of undesired but seemingly unavoidable blows. In the midst of this violence partners forget that the best way out of a fight is to be mutually vulnerable; to share hurt feelings and invite help rather than to accuse and attack. In this vein, therapists pay careful attention to how couples fight, and may suggest alternative ways that couples can speak to each other that might minimize fights. For example, when one spouse has forgotten (yet again) to pick up milk on the way home, his or her partner may see this as evidence of that spouses' thoughtlessness and lack of concern and go on the attack, "That was a thoughtless thing for you to do". The recipient of this sort of accusing, attacking message is likely to become defensive or even to attack back. A very different reaction would be expected, however, if the original communication was less attacking and more communicative of the underlying hurt and betrayal experienced, " When you come home without the milk, I feel like you don't care about me". This second type of message, phrased in the first person (which is why it is called an "I" statement) communicates feelings rather than accusations. It elicits a helpful, supportive response rather than a defensive one, and helps to defuse potential fights and arguments. "I" statements work wonderfuly when people are able to remember to produce them before and during battle. The big problem with "I" statements is that people don't remember to produce them.
- Focal, Not Global Criticism. In healthy marriages partners are able to forgive each other mistakes and preserve an overall positive impression of each other. In troubled marriages repetitive transgressions and disappointments can lead partners to form more negative impressions of each other which in turn degrade their mutual trust and affection. As a consequence of this process, partner's criticisms tend to turn from specific complaints (e.g., "you forgot to bring milk") to general (sometimes over-general) conclusions which may be exaggerated (e.g., "you don't care about me at all"). It may be the case that a spouse who forgets milk doesn't care about his or her partner, but it may also be the case that this milk-forgetting spouse is distracted by work or other pressing concerns. A generalized lack of caring doesn't necessarily follow from a series of milk delivery failures but it can be human nature to think that it does. As it only makes sense to not want to be in an intimate relationship with someone who doesn't care about you, it is in the interest of the marriage that such generalized and exaggerated conclusions be discouraged. In the service of this goal, a therapist may encourage his or her clients to stick to the indisputable facts (that milk was not delivered) and to not draw conclusions from these facts which might be mistaken.
- Traffic Control; Active Listening and Repeating. Chronically arguing couples often become so involved in defending themselves, correcting the mistakes and exaggerations their partner has accused them of, and figuring out what they're going to say next that they forget to listen and respond to what their partner is really saying. Conversation becomes exhausting and impossible, but because nobody is listening, the urge is there to speak louder as though an increase in volume or rhetoric will somehow get through better (it doesn't).
Therapists act as traffic cops and teach active listening skills to counter partner's obsessive defensive arguing. To enable both members of a couple to speak and be listened to, a therapist will set up and enforce times when each partner can speak and the other partner is asked to listen. The type of listening the therapist wants to encourage is called 'active listening' because it involves a state of actually paying attention to what is being said (rather than merely not speaking). The therapist will shut down any attempts by the listening partner to interrupt the speaker. When the speaker is through speaking, the therapist may ask the listener to repeat back the gist of what was said so that the speaker can know that they were understood. A process of correction may occur if the the speaker still feels misunderstood. Over repetitions of this exercise, taking turns amongst the partners so that each gets to speak and listen equally, the listening partners (ideally) learn to calm down, put themselves mentally into their (speaking) partners' position and open their minds to what is being said. Ideally, the couple will learn to do active listening and repeating to demonstrate understanding on their own without need of the therapist's intervention. Helping the partners to feel understood by one another may not solve their problems (fundamental differences in desires and goals may be uncovered in this process), but it does help the partners to better clarify what their problems actually are.
- Interpretation. While teaching couples ground rules and procedures for how to communicate effectively, therapists may also help couples to better understand each other by offering the couple their outsider's informed opinion as to why each partner has chosen to act as they have. Interpretation has to be accurate in order to be helpful, so therapists will often spend a fair amount of time getting to know the partners before offering it. When given, interpretations will also generally be offered in the form of a possibility for the partners to consider that they may not have thought of before and not as an absolute truth. A helpful interpretation might offer partners a new way of looking at their behavior that helps them to get away from being adversaries. For example, a therapist might link back one partners desire for stability to his or her parent's alcoholism, perhaps allowing the other partner to empathize and understand for the first time how that desire for stability came to exist rather than viewing it as merely an annoying aspect of their partner's character.
|